Something on the mind

This must be an illusion.... I tried looking into the mirror, but all I see is an unfamiliar face. I really don't know what it means, but I know its taking a greater toll on me than time. I tried to tell myself it must be an illusion, its got to be an illusion. I tried to mask it with false happiness. No need to pursue it since I already found this so called "happiness right? i was promised a golden age filled with prosperity, wealth and maybe even love but instead I'm living in a glided age. Emotions can be so deceiving. Is this the definition of false hope?

I am filled with hormonal emotions, could burst anytime anywhere. Will I be the next Mount Vesuvius?..will my family and friends end up like the people of Pompeii, not dead like them but disappointed. I definitely know I'm not bipolar(chuckles), well at least I hope. I have let myself down so much in everyway you could imagine. They say sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself again...or at least something along that line. Am I using the trip to Japan to escape my problems. I don't know anymore. I've been giving the universe without winning it, I've been giving family without deserving them, I've been giving the friendships without earning them, I've been giving the meat on my plate and the clothes on my back without appreciating them. I feel like I haven't worked for anything in my life and achieve anything except fooling myself.

I tell myself constantly(sigh). That it isn't over. It's not too late to slap the giving hand and to regain the "lost" work ethic. I can be Lookman Mobolaji Akorede Mojeed Junior again. The kid who loves to make everyone laugh, who dreams of making a difference in the world, who never stops wondering. I still want to be him, but I don't know if I'm still him. I've lost myself over and over to find this unfamiliar face. When will I find myself? I'm tired mentally and physically.

I'm not religious, but this speaks to me.

"you may be sure that your sin will find you out."

If I don't fix things now how can I expect to succeed and be happy.


P.S. I must learn how to fight for what I want in life. I just know that there is something in me telling me I'll be something great, but that little something can vanish like a flame without oxygen if I don't fight for it and make the changes now.

"Find your dreams come true
And I wonder if you know
What it means, what it means
And I wonder if you know
What it means, what it means
And I wonder if you know
What it means to find your dreams

I've been waiting on this my whole life
These dreams be waking me up at night
You say I think I'm never wrong
You know what, maybe you're right, aight"

This song by Kanye West, "I wonder" and my test scores and emotions inspired me to write this blog. I have won and lost battles but the war isn't over.